hiatus

I'm gonna take a hiatus here at Lora's Homecoming. 

I don't know how long the break is, but what I know is that I can't write about my life now. I can write about other things--like TV shows, movies, books, politics, and current events, but I just can't write about my feelings and my emotions right now. 

Since the launch of my professional website/blog, I decided to move all my non-personal posts in that site, where I could be anyone I want to be or be anyone people want me to be. (Heh. That last part sounds really sad, but that was exactly what put me in this position--and now I'm stuck in this rut trying to figure out who I am and where I'm going. I obviously need some growing up and soul searching.)

Anyway, the point is, I'm taking a hiatus here, on my personal blog, Lora's Homecoming. If it's your first time to visit this site, you're more than welcome to go through my previous posts to look at the real me. If you would like a more updated and professional me, visit Lora Quitane. 

Have a wonderful day. 

Paralysed and depressed II

I published a blog post back in March 2012 about paralysis and depression. 

I wasn't paralysed or depressed at all when I wrote it. I wrote it about people who are paralysed and depressed. 

When I talk about paralysis, I'm talking about being hung up on something that you couldn't move on. For example, I can't move forward with my life because I live in the past. That's why I'm paralysed--I'm immobile. And in this example, when you're paralysed, you become depressed.

I got the paralysis idea from James Joyce's Dubliners--this was one of the books we discussed in English class. I had to look up Dubliners on Wikipedia to remind myself what it was about. It's been a while since I've read it so I really need a refresher. 

Now in this scenario, I'm the one who's paralysed and depressed. I've been doing a lot of thinking (and I mean a LOT), and I know that I can manage this on my own. I just need to think some more.

This is what's going on in my mind: I think about the 25-year-old Lora who never left for Canada, who spent her life in the Philippines, who went to college in the Philippines, who graduated in the Philippines, and who works in the Philippines. In short, I think about the other Lora who have never left the country and lived in her homeland her entire life. I wonder what her life is like. I wonder what she's doing now. I wonder who she is now. And I wonder how she views life. 

And because I recently visited the Philippines, I'm still homesick from that visit. This recent visit renewed the dormant feelings that I had for the country. What's interesting was that I didn't see a lot of my relatives and school friends that time. I actually spent more time exploring the metro, travelling to a new city, and living like a regular Filipino citizen. 

The trip made me realize that the Philippines is my comfort place. It's cliché, but there really is no place like home.

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I don't really know if I'm paralysed. I also don't know if I'm depressed. I think I am, but I'm not sure. There are more days where I want to go back to the Philippines than the days where I try to figure out what to do with my life.

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Four years ago, I realized that no matter how much I try to assimilate into the Canadian culture, I knew that I could never forget my Filipino identity. I resisted to the change and I was happy because I was myself. Two years later, I was forced to change and to assimilate. I gave in to the change and I was lost because I wasn't myself anymore. 

Now I'm back again to the lost and confused person I was six years ago. 

Slow and steady

I'm finally getting back to the grind. It doesn't matter if it's slow and steady -- I'll do things at my own pace because I know that that's when I'm making and doing the right decisions. 

I've made a lot of mistakes on this journey, but now that I'm slowly (and finally!) getting back on my feet, the path is getting clearer for me. Things are beginning to make sense. 

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I'm talking about my blogs, of course (pffft). I've left my Homecoming blog far too long that tonight, I realized that I should really do something about it.

It also helps that my coworker (who's now a good friend) writes a blog and he updates it regularly (and that I get jealous because he's really motivated and I'm not). It also helps that my coworker is a good example and motivation for me to do my best too. And it also helps that another one of my coworker (who's also now a good friend) volunteered to motivate me whenever I feel lost. 

These are the types of people we should surround ourselves with. Motivated and hardworking people. Just a positive environment. And good vibes everyday. 

One More Day

After living in my homeland for 21 days, I've started to adapt to the hot and humid weather. There are times that I feel like dying from the heat, but then I remember that the people around me live in this weather everyday. 

It's just the traffic that's really stopping me from living here for a long time. Even during the slow hours of 10 in the morning or 1 in the afternoon, there's still traffic everywhere. 

But if I could stay for more than one day, one week, one month, or even a year, I would do it. I would really stay here if I can. I could stay here longer despite the weather and traffic. Because there's just something about this place that makes me happy, contented, and satisfied.

In a few days, I'll be leaving my hometown. In a few days, I'll say goodbye to my family, relatives, and friends. It's okay. This isn't the first time I've said goodbye to them. After all, goodbyes are overrated. 

A Second Homecoming

This time, it'll be better than the last. 

The last time I was in the Philippines, I was too scared to wander the streets during the day. I took the cab more often than the train because I was scared of the traffic, the pollution, the noise, and the people. Even though I was 21 the last time I was there, I felt like I was still too young to travel on my own.

If you've been following this blog (which I doubt) or you've read my past posts all the way back in '09, you'll know that I've been through a 'paralysis phase'--where I just kept on living with no meaning. Five years later, I'm back in that phase.

Which is why going to the Philippines at this time of my life is really important to me.

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Dumbfoundead featuring Clara C. and Jay Park - "Clouds"

The song pretty much explains itself. 

Listen to Dumbfoundead (aka PARKER and Old Boy Jon), Jay Park, and Clara C. They're not your mainstream artists.

Hello world!

Hello! I'm back!

(And by back, I mean, I'm back to my old self.)

If you're wondering where I've been, well, I went to college for two years. College took over me and my life, so when it ended, I had to reset and start over again.

I've been doing some soul searching lately (pfft, more like a year already), and through my soul searching, I've realized a few things.

There was one point in college where I was completely lost. I had no idea who I was, what I was doing, and what I was gonna do with my life. I was trying to be someone that I'm not. And I think that was when everything fell apart.

Then it hit me. The only way for me to know myself was to know the person I was before. So I looked back. I looked all the way back--in high school and grade school. 

So now I'm in the process of getting my old self back. It'll take a while, but it'll be worth it. I'm not the same person I was five years ago; I've changed. I won't be able to return to my old self, but I could get pieces and fragments of that old self that I lost throughout my journey. Those fragments were a part of me and I could never take them out of me. I am who I am today because of my past. 

And sometimes, the only way to move forward is to look back and learn from it. 

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Urbandub - "Soul Searching"

I've been a fan of Urbandub since 2005. They remind me of the times when I used to go to bars or schools to watch concerts. Nine years later and I still like them. Their songs still resonate to me. They have grown as a band, and I have grown as a person. A lot has happened in nine years. 

Across the Pacific: From Tropics to Snow

I was reading Meg Crane's zine when I saw her ad calling for submissions for her zine's April/May 2014 issue. The topic was about travelling and journeys. It was something I could completely relate to, and it was something that I wanted to share to everyone. And because I would rather write my story than talk about it, I signed up to write it.

I had a difficult time writing it because I cried a few times when I was writing it. When I'm writing, I usually write a few sentences then read them again. So every time I reread them or if the idea really resonated to me, I tear up. Even after reading it for this post, I teared up a little bit.

Here's a short excerpt (or parts where I always get emotional):

When you're a minority, it feels completely different. It changes your world and your view about the world. 

You feel like you don't belong. You feel like they're giving you disgusted looks. You feel like they're judging you. You feel like they're being condescending. You feel like they're not treating you right just because you're different. Your self-esteem goes all the way down until you lose the self-confidence you've built your entire life. 

It's hard. It's really hard. But everything will be alright. 

You will only fully understand how it feels to be discriminated when you have been discriminated.

This is one of my favourite parts:

I've accepted that I will never become white. I have learned to embrace my identity. It took me six years to figure this out and I think I'm still in that journey. The journey of finding and accepting myself. 

Before coming here, I thought it was going to be easy and simple. All I had to do was get my education and get a job to help myself and my parents. I was 19 then. I was young. I was naive. I have learned so much in the past six years that sometimes I find it hard to believe that I have survived in Canada this long 

It takes courage to leave your past and start a new life.

My story doesn't end here. There's a reason why I moved here, so I have to know what that is.

Life is full of ups and downs. There are times when you're at the top, and there are times when you're at the bottom. There's nothing wrong with starting over. Leaving your past and learning from your mistakes make you a better and stronger person. So whatever it is that you're going through now, don't give up. Don't lose hope.

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Grab a copy of Cockroach zine's April/May 2014 issue to know more about my story and to read other people's stories about their own journeys. Email them at cockroachzine@gmail.com, follow them on Twitter @cockroachzine, or like them on Facebook. You can also grab a copy on Etsy or at Winnipeg Makers & Market.