Paralysed and depressed II

I published a blog post back in March 2012 about paralysis and depression. 

I wasn't paralysed or depressed at all when I wrote it. I wrote it about people who are paralysed and depressed. 

When I talk about paralysis, I'm talking about being hung up on something that you couldn't move on. For example, I can't move forward with my life because I live in the past. That's why I'm paralysed--I'm immobile. And in this example, when you're paralysed, you become depressed.

I got the paralysis idea from James Joyce's Dubliners--this was one of the books we discussed in English class. I had to look up Dubliners on Wikipedia to remind myself what it was about. It's been a while since I've read it so I really need a refresher. 

Now in this scenario, I'm the one who's paralysed and depressed. I've been doing a lot of thinking (and I mean a LOT), and I know that I can manage this on my own. I just need to think some more.

This is what's going on in my mind: I think about the 25-year-old Lora who never left for Canada, who spent her life in the Philippines, who went to college in the Philippines, who graduated in the Philippines, and who works in the Philippines. In short, I think about the other Lora who have never left the country and lived in her homeland her entire life. I wonder what her life is like. I wonder what she's doing now. I wonder who she is now. And I wonder how she views life. 

And because I recently visited the Philippines, I'm still homesick from that visit. This recent visit renewed the dormant feelings that I had for the country. What's interesting was that I didn't see a lot of my relatives and school friends that time. I actually spent more time exploring the metro, travelling to a new city, and living like a regular Filipino citizen. 

The trip made me realize that the Philippines is my comfort place. It's cliché, but there really is no place like home.

-----

I don't really know if I'm paralysed. I also don't know if I'm depressed. I think I am, but I'm not sure. There are more days where I want to go back to the Philippines than the days where I try to figure out what to do with my life.

-----

Four years ago, I realized that no matter how much I try to assimilate into the Canadian culture, I knew that I could never forget my Filipino identity. I resisted to the change and I was happy because I was myself. Two years later, I was forced to change and to assimilate. I gave in to the change and I was lost because I wasn't myself anymore. 

Now I'm back again to the lost and confused person I was six years ago. 

Thoughts and musings as the semester ends.

I'm surprised that I have something to write today when I mentioned a few days that this blog is on hiatus. 

I still think I'm going through a phase in my life now, but I don't really know what to call it. 

The last two years has been really crazy for me. This was an experience that I would never dreamed of experiencing. There were times where I cried every week because of the stress, the pressure, PMS, the feelings, the confusion, the responsibilities, and just life in general. Even now, while I'm typing this post my eyes are tearing up. 

When I think about what I've been through the last two years -- I questioned myself a few times if the experience was worth it or if I regret it. To be honest? I don't. But I'd rather not go through it again. It's exhausting. It sucked the soul out of me. I admit, I learned a lot -- a lot more than I could never imagine -- but it was too much. It was overwhelming. There were times where I couldn't keep up with the pace because it wasn't my style. There were times where I forgot who I was three years ago before joining the program. That was probably the worst one. Forgetting my identity and personality.  

My identity is something that I will never change. Because of this program, I have learned to accept myself. Accept that I will never be that person that they want me to be. And I will not try to be that person because I know, in my heart, that it's not me. Let me make my own mistakes and let me learn from my own mistakes.

Before this, I've always believed that the world is big. I've always known that I couldn't stay here in Winnipeg forever. I've always thought of leaving the city for bigger opportunities not only here in Canada, but anywhere in the world. 



There's this quote that I love from "Ten Things I Hate About You":

"Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want."

I never imagined that this would resonate to me now more than it resonated to me when I first heard about it when I was 18. And I never thought I would have the motivation again to write a post after being on hiatus since September last year. 

Quarter-life crisis

"What are your plans after school?"

No one has asked me that yet. I'm the only one who's asked myself that question. And whenever I ask myself that question, I always don't know what to say. 

This is probably why I'm so confused all the time. I always don't know what to do -- even the smallest and most mundane things in my day-to-day life. 

I'm doomed. 

Not really. I just need to figure out what I want to do in life. I have an idea, but I just don't know if I can do them because of expectations and responsibilities. I can't just think for myself whenever I make decisions because it's not always about me. 

Until I figure out my life, this blog will be on hiatus (that is, if someone reads my blog). If you want to check out my professional site, visit Lora Quitane. 

Not Easter Sunday, but Holy Week

It's that time of the year again. It's Holy Week.

When I moved to Canada, I was surprised that Easter Sunday is more popular than Holy Week.

However, in the Philippines, Filipino Catholics commemorate Holy Week. It's a week long holiday from Holy Monday to Holy Saturday. Filipino Catholics observe it in their own ways. Some go to the beach, some do the Way of the Cross, some go back to their hometowns and visit their family, and some go to a spiritual retreat. My family commemorates it in our own way.

l grew up spending Holy Week at home or at my aunt's house in a small town South of Manila. It's at the foot of the mountain, so the air is fresh and its very quiet. My aunt goes to the market every morning to buy fresh foods. There's no tv or Internet. It's a very simple and quiet week. And that's how my Holy week has always been.

I can't "celebrate" or have fun on Holy Week-especially from Good Friday to Holy Saturday. So I had to turn down my friend's invitation today. I feel bad for turning my friend down, but there's nothing I can do. I want to go, but I know that I would feel guilty. My friend BG advised me not to go. She didn't even invite me to her birthday celebration on Saturday because she knows I can't go. She says I'm religious, I say... I'm not. :D

It's...tradition? I don't know. The point is, Holy Week is a significant time of the year. It's always been that way and I hope it will always stay that way. Then I can celebrate again after Holy Week--on Easter Sunday. 

At The End of the Day (aka Homecoming Part IV)

It's difficult to appreciate the little things when you're tired and stressed.

At the lowest point of our lives, we turn to someone or something that will make us feel better.

For my regular blog readers (if there is one), you probably already have an idea of my "addictions". For new and recent readers, this list is a summary of my "addictions".

My reliable go-tos:

a. Asian dramas. I watch an episode (or two) when I need a distraction.

b. Anime. When I would rather watch a 25-minute episode or when a one-hour drama is too long.

c. Books. Need I say more?

d. Friends. They're a very good and fun distraction.

e. Can't think of anything.

I rely on this go-to list when I feel like everything is falling apart and I want to forget reality. These past few weeks have been tough, and I unexpectedly turned to the last people I never thought I could turn to: my family and closest friends.

It's not because they're my family that I turned to them. They represent my other identity, the 19-year-old me who grew up in a small, poor, and corrupt country that moved to Canada. The other Lora who walked to school with garbage on the streets, breathed the dirty air in the city, got used to flies and cockroaches flying everywhere, and saw children on the streets asking for money.

And those were just normal things that happen everyday.

I have cousins who live in the country and can't afford tuition because they can only afford food. Their condition reminded me that I'm still lucky even though I'm exhausted everyday. There were times when I felt like giving up but when I thought of my old life and my relatives, I couldn't give up. I had to work hard.

And that was when I realized that my other self will always be a part of me. The self who grew up in the Philippines for the first 19 years of my life. The self who will always make me realize that there are a lot I should be thankful for. 

That was how I got through this semester. And why my blog is named Homecoming. 

I miss University

I can't believe I'm saying this now, but I miss University. I miss writing *gasp!* academic papers. I miss going to the University library and just be on my own. I miss writing exam papers (!). I miss going to class in the morning and working in the afternoon and not get too tired at night. I miss learning about theories and analyzing a political speech.

Despite all that, I still like College. I like Creative Communications. I'm majoring into Media Production next semester so expect blog posts about tv and radio and production values. I like the hands-on experience of operating a camera or interviewing a random person. I could never do that in University.

Because I miss University, I'll take spring/summer courses this year. Depending on my schedule next semester, I might take a University course in the fall. But I won't quit my job. And at the same time work on my Independent Professional Project the entire school year.




And some of my friends say I look tired all the time.

Obligatory New Year Post (2013 edition)

If I wrote this post a week before the new year, it would be all sappy and emotional. It would be just like any typical blog post about the new year. So I'll keep it short and simple. No new year's resolutions (because I don't really have one) and no reminiscing of the past year (because I've done it already).  

Thank you.

(and)

This is going to be a great year. 

Need more time to sink in

I still find it hard to believe that my high school friend Kim passed away. It was all very sudden. Her passing felt unreal. When I heard the news about her being in a coma, my instinct told me that she would survive the ordeal. I believed that she would. But she never did.

----------

I received a notification on my high school's Facebook page asking for prayers. Kim was in a coma Saturday due to ruptured aneurysm and low blood pressure. The hospital she stayed in didn't have the proper equipment for better treatment. She couldn't be delivered to a better hospital because her condition was unstable. Family and friends started posting messages on her Facebook wall, telling her to wake up. All these people were posting messages on her wall post, praying for her, asking for prayers, and telling her to wake up. But she never did.

----------

My friend posted in our high school section's Facebook page that she passed away on Dec. 12, 2012, at 7 a.m. Reading it the first time felt unreal, like it was all a dream. But I knew he would never lie or joke about it. I just couldn't accept the truth. We all couldn't. It was all too soon.

----------

When she was in a coma up until her burial, I checked Facebook everyday to read updates. I relied on photos to see who visited her at her viewing. I look her up on Facebook and read wall posts from her family and friends. Nadine, one of my high school friends, posted this touching poem that was in one of the mass cards. Reading her wall posts and this poem would make anyone cry. 

I'm Free

Don't grieve for me for now I'm free.

I'm following the path God laid for me.

I took his hand when I heard him call.

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,

To laugh, to love, to work, or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way,

I've found that peace at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,

Ah yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow:

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full I've savored much,

Good times, good friends, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,

 Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me,

God wanted me now, he set me free.

author unknown

Social Media in Parties

It's common that people at a party pull out their cellphones to text or call someone when they're bored. But in today's world, most people don't just use their phones to do those two things. Some of them check their phones for Facebook, Twitter, or use other social media apps.

But sometimes, when the party is really engaging and everyone is talking to each other and having fun, there's no need to check the most recent newsfeed on Facebook or post a Tweet.  

That's exactly what I felt when I went to two parties last night. In the first party I went to, my friend brought a game of charades. And of course, just like any party, there was alcohol. Sure, I checked my phone sometimes. But I didn't get to the point that I didn't talk to anyone and sat in the corner. I talked to them instead. After that, I went to my cousin's place who was celebrating his birthday. When I got there most of them were already drunk; but because it's been a while since I've seen them, I spent some time with them. I pulled out my phone once in a while, but it was only to check the time. 

While I was at these two parties, I could've pulled out my phone and posted a drunk status, drunk tweet, or send drunk texts. But I didn't. Instead of doing these things to incorporate social media in my life, there are times when one doesn't need to post a drunk tweet because one has to. And I just mentioned in my last post that we have to be responsible in what we communicate because employers look up their potential employees on Facebook or Twitter. So if one posts a drunk Tweet or Facebook status that might ruin one's chances to get a job, it would be a horrible feeling when reality kicks in.

And yes, I'm taking responsibility for this post--it's also because I want to let everyone know that I had fun spending some time with some of the best people in the world--the people who keep me sane as I live my life as a first-year Creative Communications student at Red River College.

tweet, tweet

   I told myself a year ago that I'll never set up a Twitter account. I knew that would never happen of course, because I *sort of* knew that I was accepted in the Creative Communications program at Red River College and a Twitter account is required for all students.

   So now I have a twitter account. I posted my first tweet and started following the people I want to follow. Let's see what happens.
 

I got this photo here~!

Welcome (back)!

   So for my Public Relations class I have to put away my anonymity and show my face to the world. Since I started this blog, I've always been professional in my posts that's why I decided to stick to this blog until the end instead of setting up a new one which would be another account for me to keep track of.

   When I first set up this blog back in July 2009, I was in my early 20s; my older sister influenced me to start a blog because she also started one in January (but she doesn't update it anymore--she only posted like a couple of posts and that was it. Her excuse was that she didn't have "time" and blogging wasn't for her. Meh. Excuses.). I think what inspired me to keep writing and updating this blog was Dramabeans, a blog about Korean dramas. I've always loved watching Asian dramas and films, and when I realized that I could write about them, I thought, why not set up my blog so I can write about them? So don't be surprised if you find me randomly posting about Asian dramas because those shows keep me sane. I used to watch American tv shows when I was in the Philippines, but when Meteor Garden was shown on Philippine tv for the first time in 2003, that got me into Asian dramas that ranges from Taiwanese (which I rarely watch), Japanese, Korean, Chinese (mostly films), to Thai (mostly films too). But don't worry, these are not the only shows I watch. I also watch period dramas, and that comprise mostly of Jane Austen and Elizabeth Gaskell's novel adaptations. Downton Abbey is next on my list, but I just don't have the time to watch the series right now. And lastly, I used to write recaps about Detective Conan (and if I have the time, I'll write about them). I like animes, and I've been watching them since I was young so I'm familiar with animes like Dragon Ball, Yuyu Hakusho, Ranma 1/2 (my favourite anime of all time), Fushigi Yuugi, Fruits Basket, Hana Yori Dango, Naruto, One Piece, Flame of Recca, and other animes that I can't remember at the top of my head.

   But when I don't write about my "addictions" (as what I call them), I write about myself. No, I don't write about how amazing I am (ha!), or what I had for breakfast this morning, or what my typical weekend is like. I never write about those. I'd rather just keep those thoughts to myself and never share them on Facebook or Twitter. I value my privacy, that's why when I started this blog my user name was "luraaa" and my old profile pictures here were either an anime character or my shadow. But I changed my user name to my real one (i.e., Lora) because... well, I don't really know why I did that last year. I think it was because I wanted my audience to know who I am so they'll know that I'm not a troll? Anyway, I can't remember the story behind it so let's change the topic.

   Whenever I talk about myself, I talk about my experiences and thoughts as an immigrant. I was 19 years old when I left my entire life and moved to a new place to live permanently. I didn't have a choice; my parents made us move here even though in Western standards I was already an adult and I could make my own decisions. But I didn't, and I let my parents decide my future for me. It was a decision I didn't regret, and I would never blame my parents for making me move here to Canada. I was forced to make a lot of sacrifices, but it's alright. I'm still in the process of transitioning, but a few years have already passed and I've built a few relationships here that are comparable to my old relationships back home.

   And that's exactly why my blog is named Homecoming. The Philippines was my home--it still is, it's just that my feelings about this country are changing as I spend more time and live my life in my new home--here in Canada. But even though I consider Canada my new home, there will always be a part of me that will go back to the place where my life started--and how I became the person I am today--my native homeland, my first, former and forever home, the Philippines. A place that will always welcome me despite my love-hate relationship with it.

   I guess it's time to continue being professional and more personal as I relaunch my blog and change it to a professional blog named Lora's Homecoming. 

Oceanarium Park in Manila: my cousins, siblings, and I went here when we visited the Philippines in summer of 2010. 

Oceanarium Park

 Balanan Lake, Negros Oriental: a lake on a mountain

Taal Lake, Tagaytay City: Taal Volcano on a lake

   

   With sights and places like this, who wouldn't want to go back? I haven't even explored the underground caves, blue seas, and hundred islands in the Philippines yet, that's why I'm definitely going back there. 

© photo credits: the first three were taken by my brother Kervy and I took the fourth. All pictures were taken during our 2010 summer vacation

First Day High!

   More like second day actually. It's the second day of my life as a college student, and I'm still trying to absorb all the information my instructors tell the class. There are a lot of stuff to learn and lots of early morning classes, but hopefully I'll be able to get the hang of this schedule and adjust to it by next week. All I need is one cup of coffee every morning and I'm good to go (for the morning. It's a different case in the afternoon.). I try to lessen my caffeine intake because I know it's bad for me, but now that I'm required to get up early for my classes, I need it everyday. Unlike in university where I only drink coffee during exams or the end of term, I have to drink coffee everyday in college. It's still the beginning of term so I'm still able to manage my time with sleep, school, work, personal life, social life, and extra curricular activities. Wait until everything gets crazy in the next three or four months. I'll be like a walking zombie suriving on caffeine and sugar. Just like what I was like when my friends and I went to Alberta and BC (which will be told another time).

   So bear with me as I update this blog again as a part of my course requirement. I still have drafts to post especially the anime and drama recaps, but I don't think I can fit these in my current schedule. So maybe next time. 

I'm a college student~!

   So I came home last week from a trip to see the Canadian Rockies and because of it, I lived in fantasy for the next couple of days until I had to go back to reality last weekend. And when I did go back to reality, I was shocked.

   I'm now a college student. I can now access the student portals and email. I have a timetable of my course schedule for the term. I want to cry and laugh at the same time because it still feels surreal. I'm not a university student anymore. Technically, I'm still a university student because I'm in a Joint Degree Program, but in the next two academic years, I'll be a college student. Unless there are spring courses available at the university, then I can go back to being a university student. But... a college student. I know it's only been two years that I went to university, but I'm already used to the campus that I find it hard to let go. And when I saw the college's library, I first thought about going to the university library instead of the college's because I already have a spot in the university library. And I know this wouldn't make sense to some people (that is, the fact that I'm only going to college instead of university) but there are people that find it hard to let go of something especially if he or she finds have become accustomed to the place and afraid of change. Change is inevitable, I've heard it so many times, but now, this is something that I don't want to let go yet.

   Now that I have two weeks left, I have to get ready. No more Asian dramas, manga, anime, fiction books, and summer trips. I'm back to the real world. T.T

Paralysed and depressed

   There is nothing depressing about this post. Nothing. I promise.

   The earth is now in the spring equinox so snow won't be coming until late fall and there won't be another cold and depressing winter until mid-November or December. Or maybe it might snow before April ends. One will never know. This is Canada afterall. But just because I'm talking about paralysis and depression don't mean that I'm paralysed and depressed. Far from it actually. But I'm not saying that I'm happy right now, at this moment, because I'm not, and that's an entirely different story, but I am happy today. Of my present disposition in life.

   I was reading an old blog post titled "Paralysis" about this Filipino woman I met on the bus. She told me she missed the shopping malls and Filipino foods. On my mind, I don't blame her. But I was surprised when she told me she has lived in Canada longer than me. And the reason why she missed the Filipino culture was because she didn't like this new culture that she's living in. I find that disappointing, because I think (and as I wrote on the post) that one should learn the cultures of a new country--especially if he or she is permanently living in the said country. I'm not saying that one should completely forget about his or her culture, but he or she should make an effort to accept a new culture into his or her life. I don't want to judge the woman because I don't have the right to judge her. However, with her manner of speaking it sounded like she didn't want to assimilate into a new culture.

   I guess this denial of accepting a new culture is part of an immigrant's experience, where he or she has trouble accepting the reality of living in another country. It is difficult to deny one's culture and learn a new one. This process makes one have a dual self, living two identities at the same time. It takes one to immediately transition from one self to another self in order to adapt to the environment and surroundings. I don't know how it goes for other people, but this is exactly what it's like for me.

    Keeping up with two cultures is difficult especially in today's technology where I have access to the Internet and I can chat or talk to my friends in the Philippines. But to be honest, I don't do it often. I used to do it a lot, like, everyday. I used to check my Facebook everyday and check my friends' Facebook updates everyday if they held parties or reunions. But that is so 2009 (because they had the reunion in 2009. heh.). Nowadays, I rarely check my friends on Facebook for two reasons: one, I don't have all the time in the world to spend looking up for their profiles everyday when I have other things to do on the virtual world and in the real world. Second, the more I see them, the more parties and reunions I miss, the more they have fun with their lives, I get jealous. There it is. I admit it. And I just digressed. But this example from my life is one of the reasons why a person denies a new culture. Why he or she does not want to learn a new culture because he or she does not want to miss out on what his or her friends are doing in their home country. I hope I don't sound cynical but I am sure no one checks my Facebook everyday (because I rarely update it) the same way I used to check it everyday. Unless someone really wants to know what's going on in my life, they'll make an effort to chat with me the same way I'll chat with them. Anyway, this is becoming too personal (and I don't mean to attack anyone) so I better stop. The point is, one reason why I used to be paralysed and depressed is because I close myself to new possibilities instead of branching out in this new country. So I tried to change. And it helped, quite a bit, because I can now see a change in myself (like rarely checking Facebook). I don't deny that I miss them, because I do. I miss them a lot. I miss my old friends. But that's it. That's where it ends. I already have a new life. I should just be happy that I have a whole new life ahead of me, new challenges that await me, new people who would like to meet me (I hope), and new places that I can't wait to travel. There is no use bringing up the past because I'm already living in the present for my future. 

    So one solution for an immigrant to not be depressed? Open up to a whole new life and accept the reality of it all. Difficult as it is, the learning experience is worth it. 

Looking Back

   Now that I think about it, I haven't really written a post about the day when I left the Philippines. It all seemed like a blur now, particularly that day when I traveled probably because of jetlag or culture shock.

   I left the Philippines on December 2007. I was a teenager then; I wasn't that young but I wasn't too old either. Everything was a rush because our visas arrived unexpectedly so we immediately bought December plane tickets in October. I didn't have time to meet all my friends for the last time. I only told a few people too, because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. And my close friends knew this would eventually happen so they were not really surprised (I think). As for most people, like my high school classmates and friends, they didn't expect it.

   Within the four years that I have been living here in Canada, I want to think that I've accomplished many things. I learned more than I never expected to learn--especially at the university. I became more responsible. If the 19-year-old me would look at the present me, she would think, "You have grown a lot, Lora. You have changed." I want to think that I have changed for the better; although some of my friends think that I have lost my pride and nationalism due to my harsh criticisms when I was in the Philippines in July and August 2010. But what could I do? I was only telling the truth; all those criticisms were based on my observations. But of course they would never believe me. They might had thought that I completely changed. That I became more Canadian than a Filipino. I can't really blame them if they thought that way because they have never lived in another country before. Sure, some of them might had gone to Canada or the US for a vacation but that was it. A vacation does not last 2 years. It does not last 4 years. Once a person lives in a new place, he or she begins to adapt to the new culture because he or she is an immigrant. He or she, like me, is a person from another country. So if I visit the US and stay for 3 months, I would still not be able to fully assimilate myself into the culture. I'm not saying though that an immigrant should assimilate his or herself into the new culture. It takes time, and it also varies in every person. Even though sometimes I feel like I have fully immersed myself into the culture, there are times when I still cannot relate to what other people are talking about. I think it will never go away. But if a Filipino of my age starts talking about the cartoons in the 90s, then I can relate because I grew up in that culture. But now, I can say that I know less of the Philippine pop culture as I learn more of the Canadian culture.

   Start all over again. Then look back after a few years. What have I accomplished in the last four years? How did my perspectives and ideologies changed over the past four years? Would I want to go back and start all over again?

   I'd rather not. I've had my ups and downs during the four years, but looking back, I prefer not to be paralysed and would rather look into the future. A bright and unpredictable future.

Technology and Me, A History: Part III

   I was reading Candace Spigelman's Personally Speaking: Experience as Evidence in Academic Discourse where in chapter three she talks about the construction of one's experiences in narrative writing. She argues that we, the storytelling humans (as Walter Fisher argues on the Narrative Paradigm), cannot capture the "real and actual" events in our lives based on contemporary theory (62). What we can do is "reconstruct" this memory, to experience these events into text and not the truth (63). I wrote my Technology Narrative paper before I read Spigelman's book so when I was reading the book I agreed on this argument, and the chapter on "Constructing Experience". As I mentioned in part two of this Technology Narrative series, I remembered bits and pieces of my childhood stories due to pictures or remnants of memories in my brain. I don't remember all my childhood memories, and if given the chance I would like to go back to see how I lived as a child, but not change anything. But let's not talk about it here, because my early experiences with technology is only a part of my childhood.

   I talked about the first technological tools I used, the pen and paper, in the second part of the series. This series is actually a four-part narrative series, the third part about the technological devices from my childhood at home, and the last part would be my technological narrative in school (from grade school up to high school.).

   Remember, I was born in the Philippines. I grew up in the Philippines. So the young me in the story is someone who grew up in the Philippines who had no idea (then) that she was migrating to another country (and culture). My parents taught us to not have everything we wanted. This taught me to value what I have, to not waste it, and to not fix something that is not broken. Despite not having everything I wanted as a child, looking back, I am glad that my mother did not buy me all the toys in the toy store. Instead, she bought books. Sure, we had toys, but not a lot. And I was fine with that. I was a happy kid growing up in the 90s.

   As I mentioned in my technology narrative paper, music is a significant influence to my life so it was no wonder that we have a music system at home. My mom told me we used to have a record player because my dad had his vinyl records kept. So growing up, I used any musical technological device. There was a tape player in the van too whenever we go on road trips and long drives. When relatives visit, the adults watched concerts (on VHS tapes) while the children played outside. On Sundays when there were no classes and it was cleaning day, my mom would turn on the radio. I remember during second grade where I used to watch Disney films on our VHS player after I got home from school in the afternoon. I first asked my mom how to set it up and when I learned how to do it myself, I watched films by myself because I didn't want to interrupt my parents who were busy with work (we had a home-based business). So at the age of 8 I was able to watch films by myself. I didn't just watch films or listen to music when I was growing up though.

   My two older brothers played the Family computer a lot while I watched them. I didn't play a lot; one, I had to fight over my two brothers, and two, I wasn't really interested. I preferred watching them play even though I could finish one stage of Super Mario or Battle City. My brother also played the GameBoy, and as usual, I would only watch him. If I did use the GameBoy, I think it was only for easier games. Whenever we visit my cousins, I would also watch them play Resident Evil on the PlayStation. 

Nokia 1011 - quite close to the first cell phone we had and this looks much worse. 

Nokia 3210 - a better phone than the 5110 but worse than 3310. 

Nokia 5110 with its interchangeable covers. I never really liked this phone; I don't know why. 

Nokia 3310 released in 2000. 

   Our household had a fair amount of communication devices that I used as a child. Because we had a home-based business, a telephone was necessary. I think it was in the mid to late 90s that I was introduced to cell phones. The first cell phone I held on my hands was a Nokia phone. It was a huge and heavy phone, but based on the time it was released, it was perfect. I'm not sure what the model name was, but the phone looked like Nokia 1011 but aesthetically better. There were other cell phone brands that emerged in the late 90s. Motorola, Sony Ericsson, and Philips were some of the brands, but Nokia was more popular. The Nokia 5110 and 3210 were the classic Nokia phones that were really popular before 2000. But after the clock stroke a new millenium, there was another popular cell phone that emerged: the Nokia 3310. This was the most popular and widely-used by most Filipinos; everywhere you go, almost everyone used this phone. I started high school in 2001, and a few of my classmates had cell phones better than the 3310. The Nokia 3310 was just a basic cell phone: it has a call and text message feature but it had better games and ring tones than 5110 and 3210. But after the 3310, everything changed. Again. 

   By the time I was in my third year in high school (equivalent to Grade 11 in Canada), most cell phones had these features: camera, video, built-in music player, polyphonic and monophonic ring tones, coloured wallpapers, and different sizes and shapes of phones. By fourth year, everyone in class had cell phones. Cell phones became a regular accessory because everyone had it. I was so used to seeing cell phones when I was 15 years old so sometimes I'm not fascinated with cell phones anymore unless these phones are made in Japan or South Korea.

    I've always thought that North America is still far behind the technologies in Japan and South Korea. Especially Japan. I maybe biased because I've always wanted to go to Japan. Or maybe because I grew up in a place where technology seemed to change as soon as I get used to one device. Take the BlackBerry and iPhone, for example. I'm not excited to own these cell phones, and I don't see myself buying one soon. First, because I don't need it. Second, I'm not interested. And alright, the third reason is that I don't have a budget for an iPhone plan that's more expensive than my monthly bus pass. Seriously, I don't see myself owning an iPhone in the near future. I know that I will eventually use a Smartphone, but not an iPhone. Even though I don't buy the latest cell phone in the market, I keep myself updated. And right now, the phone that I really like is the Samsung Galaxy SII or the Sony Ericsson Xperia. And yes, I just said that I prefer Asian-brand cell phones. Although I don't mind a Nokia phone in the future which depends on circumstances.

----

Spigelman, Candace. Personally Speaking: Experience as Evidence in Academic Discourse. Carbondale: Southern Illinois UP, 2004. Print.


            If you want to see the old Nokia cell phone models, here's a link: GSM Arena Nokia cell phones. On page 6, I can count in my fingers the number of cell phones that I had never seen before I graduated from high school. So this gives you an idea that I was a witness (sort of) of the cell phone history (or timeline) and why I'm not too interested in getting a Smartphone right now. You could look at page 5, and again, I've seen most of these phones before I turned 16. 

Technology and Me, A History: Part II

   My most recent blog post was an essay I wrote for my Reading and Writing Online course about my technological history. I received my marked paper two weeks ago and after reading my professor's comments, I had a dilemma. I was thinking on whether I should delete the blog post where I posted my Technological Narrative final draft or just leave it to be a part of the Internet history (or my blog history). I did think about deleting it because her comments made so much sense than when I was editing my own paper (No surprise there.). But after a few days I decided I would just write a new series of technological narratives as blog posts that will be added to my academic and personal page, Homecoming.
   
   I know I mentioned way back when I started this blog that I prefer to remain an anonymous blogger and if I may reveal a few information about myself, there should still be anonymity in my identity. So in this series of posts, I will not name people I know in my life nor name places where I lived. But I consider this blog as my web site and link it from my Internet profile (like Facebook and G+ or for a class).
   
   Okay. Story of my life. As I mentioned in this post (and paper), I was exposed to technology at a very young age when I was growing up in the Philippines. It also helped that I grew up in the capital of the country, Metro Manila, where everyone in the city are up-to-date with the latest technology. If I grew up in the country though, like some of my cousins, then I would have a completely different story to tell. And believe me, I visited that place a couple of times and people in the country live a simpler life compared to Metro Manila.
   
   Pencil and paper were the first technological tools I used as a child, but I preferred reading than writing in my early days of education. I think I used a pencil more than a paper, because that's how children usually practice writing right? Writing their names on a wall using a pencil. Needless to say, I know my mom didn't like it. I don't remember being scolded for writing on the wall, but I'm pretty sure she was angry (But really. I was a growing toddler. At least I wrote it in pencil and not in pen. That's easier to erase.). And again, I was a kid. So the pencil and paper were not just my first technological tools, they were my best friends. If I came across a pen with either black, red or blue ink, these devices made my day because I was able to scribble, draw, and write anything that goes on in my innocent imagination. However, there was something bigger, better, and more colourful than my drawings. The television.
   
   I can never remember which of the two I was exposed to at a young age: the television or the pen and paper. I'd say tv, because some of my baby pictures have a tv in the background so I figured that my parents or older siblings made me watch tv before I learned to write. And isn't that how babies become exposed to technology too? Mothers and babies watch a soap opera. Baby has no idea what's going on in the show, while mother has used up the entire box of tissues. I think it's the same with radio too.
   
   Make-believe or not, I'm sure that I was exposed to these devices when I was a toddler because I either saw pictures or the memories were stored in the depths of my brain or the unconscious. However, I do remember my late toddler years or early childhood years and how technology became a part of my life--which will be posted soon (or just read the first part of this series to get a sense of my early beginnings in my technology narrative draft). 

Technology and Me, A History

  How did technology and I met? How is it that I became used to the Internet at such a young age? How do I perceive technology now with today's innovations in technology? These were some of the questions that constituted my first assignment in my Reading and Writing online class that I will answer in this post, to show how my technological narrative affected my perception of technology now as a young adult in her early 20s.
  
  I have a vague recollection of technology when I was a toddler, but when I was in kindergarten onwards I remember the technological devices we have in our household that I once didn't consider as technology. However, before I list these devices, I should start with a pen and paper first, tools that are considered as technological devices according to my professor. Before I started kindergarten, I can write my first and last name using a pencil and paper. I'm not sure if there are other words I used to write because that was a long time ago. The chalk and chalkboard were the visual aids used when I was in kindergarten, but there was an array of visual aids in grade school and high school. Included in this post is my Technology Narrative final draft as an assignment for my Reading and Writing class online as an autobiography of how technology and I started way back in the 90s. 

Early beginnings 

     I was exposed to a variety of technological devices while growing up in the 90s. My family loved and enjoyed music so my father bought an entertainment system that included a television set, a cassette and VCR player, a receiver, a subwoofer, and two large speakers. I remember when our relatives would visit the adults would watch The Eagles’ Hell Freezes Over concert while the children were playing outside in daylight and watching the concert at night. There was never a day that the radio was turned off. Music was a daily part of our lives, and my parents’ musical influences were passed on to us as we were growing up. When we weren’t listening to the radio or watching a concert, my brothers and I played the Family computer or GameBoy. Sometimes I would watch my cousins play the PlayStation when we visited them. 

     We had a family business, so a telephone was necessary in the household. I think it was in the late 90s when my father bought a Nokia cell phone. It was a huge and heavy phone, bigger than a regular corded telephone. But since that was the first cell phone I had seen in my life, I thought it was amazing. Without my surprise, a few months later, I saw cell phones smaller than my dad’s phone. As I read magazines and watched television I saw these cell phones that have the ability to phone and send a text message. In 2000, most of the upper and middle-class groups owned a cell phone in the capital city of the Philippines. It wasn’t difficult to buy a cell phone; the market was competitive and the consumers have an option to choose from the array of phone plans. Text messaging was cheaper and becoming a trend compared to talking to someone on the phone. That time, cell phones were becoming viral and cheap so it was easy for a working class person to buy one. The marketed cell phones were smaller, lacked antennas, had larger screens, and more features. By 2005, in my last year in high school, everyone in class had a cell phone (including me). And this time, the phones were in various shapes and sizes. 

     Despite these devices that I grew up with, my earliest beginnings with technology was a pen and paper, tools that I used to write my name. I learned more words when I went to kindergarten. Kindergarten to high school institutions used the chalk and chalkboard. I had my first computer class in Grade 4 and was taught up to high school. Sometimes, the teacher would use an overhead projector for his or her lectures. Other times, class would be held at a room where the teacher would play videos and used a dry erase marker to write on the whiteboard. By high school, it was implied that all students were knowledgeable of Microsoft PowerPoint and that it was required to use for class presentations. Computer classes were introduced to the curriculum in the fourth grade in 1998 so I learned how to use it at a young age. These were the methods and technological devices I grew up and learned.Since our school introduced a computer class in the fourth grade, students were required to use the Internet once a week in the school library to get ourselves acquainted with technology. In sixth grade, I signed up for my first email address partly due to my older cousin’s influence. The Internet helped me communicate with my aunt who was living in Florida. I was the “mediator” between my mom and aunt because my mom didn’t know how to use email yet. I have never abandoned any technologies I tried before; on the contrary, my technological skills have improved. I still use the Internet and email, and I use my cell phone for phone and text messaging. Nowadays, I rarely email my family and friends because there is Facebook, Skype, and Yahoo! Messenger. I email when necessary, so I can’t say I have abandoned email completely. My cell phone, laptop, and iPod are the most important technological devices I own that I use every day. I won’t say that I text more than I email, because I think I spend more time on the Internet than my phone mainly because of university, my family and friends overseas, and my hobbies. These three have affected my personal life such that I rely on them most of the time such as when I need to talk to someone. 

     Because I learned how to use the Internet at a young age, it was not difficult for me to use it for communicating with my extended family and friends. My knowledge of the Internet was an advantage because it helped me contact my family and friends without help. My first few months in Canada were difficult because I had no friends so I had to rely on the internet to communicate with them online. Instead of going out and meeting new people, I spent my time online to chat or talk with family and friends during weekends. Due to my technological capability, I was always online so I could catch my friends online and chat with them. The 14-hour difference (13 hours with Daylight Savings Time) was a hindrance for while it is night here, it’s daylight there so sometimes I go to sleep really late which made it difficult for me to wake up in the morning to go to work. This used to be my lifestyle, but once I became settled and realized that everything has changed, I no longer stay up late just to catch my friends or chat with them all the time. I chat with them whenever I feel like it, because I understand that we lead separate lives now. Most of my relatives are rarely online, but when they are, it’s usually the weekend so oftentimes I don’t go out on weekends just so I can stay and to talk to them. Sometimes, I teach my mom to chat and use Skype so she wouldn’t wait for me whenever I go out late on Saturday nights. This way, my parents can talk to our other relatives online without me or my brother’s assistance. 

     I am more knowledgeable about the Internet compared to before that I couldn’t last a day without it that sometimes I take a break. As a past-time hobby, I like watching Asian shows. They almost have the same format as the American television shows, but they only run for one season that lasts 16 to 24 episodes for Korean dramas and 9-12 for Japanese dramas. Each episode runs 45-65 minutes and has a variety of genres. I spend hours and days watching a 16-episode series that sometimes I would rather finish the remaining episodes than go out with my friends. But since I started university, I have been able to limit my use of the internet for unnecessary and time-consuming activities. It took some time for my lifestyle to change from when I first came here up to today, but nevertheless, the Internet has been a significant part of this change in my life. 

     To be technologically literate, one has to have a technological device for each activity he or she does. He or she does not use a pen and paper all the time, but a handy and multi-purpose technological device. When I used to use a pen and paper to write my thoughts, I sometimes had difficulty to free write because I pause after a couple of sentences to read what I have written which diverts my attention to the main idea I wanted to convey. With blogging, I have no difficulty free writing because I can write as long as I want quicker than writing in paper. If I need to stop to read the paragraphs, I can easily delete the words I don’t like. When I become accustomed to using a Smartphone or a BlackBerry as my “digital planner”, I will probably spend more time using it the same way I use my planner every day. This would be handy for my future professional life as a required technology. A cell phone would be necessary, and if it’s also an organizer it would help out a lot. I might use the laptop too, because I would need to be online all the time for documents or files that need to be emailed or forwarded for work. A music player, or my iPod (if my current one still works in the future), would be a supplemental technology to use whenever I need it. 

     In the meantime, I currently have these technological devices at home: a desktop, a printer, and two laptops; one is my brother’s and the other is mine. So every time I come home, I turn on my laptop and go online or do homework. I am content with my laptop, iPod, and basic cell phone and I have no wish to buy any new technological device in the near future. I recently bought a netbook that I bring to university which still makes me guilty because I know that I don’t badly need this device and yet I still bought it. I plan to buy a MacBook, but that won’t happen anytime soon, because my laptop and netbook are working just fine. I am not interested in the iPad or tablets as well; I don’t know why, but somehow since the launch of the iPad, it had never appealed to me in any way. I am also not interested in the iPhone because I believe that there are much better phones on the market than this overrated cell phone. I don’t need a Smartphone or a BlackBerry either, so cheap cell phone offers don’t appeal to me. I prefer writing, highlighting, and reading on a planner compared to Smartphones or an app for now. 

     I don’t have any technological “wish list” because I am satisfied with the devices I have now. It may not make me up to date with the latest technology, but I really don’t mind. If I buy a device one day after six months there will be a new model of that same device. It’s a waste of money, and as a student, it’s not really economical for me. My friend tells me that I should learn the latest technology, but to me it doesn’t really matter because technology is quickly changing even before my trusty pen runs out of ink.

  Analysing this paper, I can see that I have been introduced to technology since I was a child which has changed my perception of technology today where I prefer to spend less time online and more time in the real world due to the lifestyle I used to have during my first few years in Canada. This change in perception is due to my old lifestyle in the Philippines where the Internet was not a daily part of my lifestyle--only when I needed to do assignments. I used to spend my time with my family and friends than exploring the Internet. Unfortunately, I went back to this life when I migrated so once again I am going back to my old life where I would like to spend more time making real and personal communication. I just hope that I can do this seeing how today's society lives. A person is only given one chance to live, and I wish to spend more time exploring the wonders of the world than sitting on a desk behind a laptop. 

Slow Down, Please

  Quite a late reaction considering that the event took place on Sunday, October 16th, and the report was released Monday the next day. However, when my instructor mentioned this bit (and I am ashamed that I have not read the news that day), I checked the online newspaper to see what the laughs were all about—and the photo delivered (but trust me, I wasn't the only one who didn't read the paper). 
  
  With all the Occupy protests happening around the globe and the eurozone crisis, you would think that those should be the news of the week. But what can I do. I'm swamped with school work and work, and add to that my social life that I try to relive once a week to bring me back to reality. And my stress reliever to take me to the fourth dimension to keep me sane. 
  
  I'll make this short and sweet because it's late and I have a class tomorrow (not a surprise really). 
  
  On Sunday, October 16th, drivers were shocked to see this sign as they were driving on the road:

  
  Do you think the drivers slowed down when they saw this sign? Of course. I mean, who wouldn't? This made my day yesterday so this should have made it for the drivers who saw this too. 
  
  I apologize again for the quick and short post. I'll do better next time, just, not now. 
   
  The full article is right here if you are interested in the details. 


(photo by Karen Chapman for The Winnipeg Free Press)

Take it easy

Four courses for fall. Five days a week. Twenty hours to work. How do I do it? Even I ask myself that question. Which reminds me, I need to continue that volunteering I signed up March of this year. As if I don't have enough things to do. And did I mention I work five days a week? Oh, I also took five courses last winter, and I worked part-time during that period.

I take my physical strength for granted just because I can deal with it now, which I'm sure I'll suffer the consequences later in life. I can be pretty stubborn. I know that. I take my body for granted. I know that. I once pulled three consecutive all-nighters in one week. I hated that. But what can I do? I had assignments and readings I needed to do that week, and I was also adjusting from my crazy lifestyle in summer and the new school year--my second year as a university student. 

Since I'm already in my second year, I have to make it a habit of updating this blog every week--be it a mundane post or a heavy, life's-biggest-questions post. What has this blog got to do with it? I'll give you a bit of info about me which I don't normally do, because I take my privacy seriously. But since it's already late, and although I'm tired and I want to go to bed right now, I can't because I want to finish this post now that I'm in mood to write about it. And when ideas and words flow, I rather release them at that moment than wait for the moment to pass because it might not happen again and I might forget it. So expect a freewrite vibe in this post because I'll only edit this once. Or twice. Okay, maybe before I begin a new paragraph. Even though I'm editing it doesn't mean my brain is processing these words to look for cohesion or coherence (I always get these two mixed up) or if I correctly used a scheme (like in the first paragraph). 

Anyway, back to me (wow, that sounds egocentric). I'm taking the 4-year Joint Communications program of the University of Winnipeg and Red River College where I take two years (or three, depending on the course availability) to get a degree in Communications, and then two years for a Creative Communications diploma in Red River College. I have a friend who is with the same program at Red River, and she said that they are required to update their blogs every week. It's a good thing I started this blog two years ago so at least I have already established myself as a blogger (no pun intended) and I'm not forced to write a blog but I enjoy doing it. The downside is that since I started university my blog posts dropped drastically. Which is understandable, because I am in university after all. But if I'm at Red River College I'm sure that I would be required to update my blog every week. Which is why I have to make it a habit to write a new post every week. Which would make me write more about my personal life if it's a slow news day. 

There you have it. And so, my bed awaits (I'm sure after I publish this post, I'll still read and open other websites that are not relevant to what I'm supposed to be doing).