This takes up most of my time these days,

And I can't help but let it control my life. At least during the weekends. I make it sure that I watch the raw episodes on Saturdays and Sundays at noon or early in the afternoon and rewatch the subbed episodes late at night. Or if I liked the episode, I would watch it again in a better resolution. A Gentleman's Dignity (신사의 품격) is Kim Eun-sook's latest drama offering. Her last hit drama, Secret Garden (시크릿 가든), starring Ha Ji-won and Hyun Bin, wasn't the best for me despite the actors' stellar performances. I'm not saying 신 품 is better though. It took the series three or four episodes (?) for the main couple to get together and Colin's father plot to unveil. Episode 14 is the beginning of the melodrama genre of show, so I expect the succeeding episodes to have lots of crying, angst, and noble idiocy. I'm relieved that Colin's side story picked up; but I'm not really interested in his story because it's an overused cliche in Kdramaland. I'd rather see other story lines pick up, like Yi-soo's student Dong-hyub and Min-sook and Jung-rok's story.

   It's not the best drama. It's fluff. It's full of fillers. I still have no idea what's going to happen to all the characters. But I care what happens to them, so that's why I'm sticking until the end. And besides, I've already seen 14 episodes (not just once); would I really drop show and watch another one (or live in the real world)? No thank you. I've spent almost 15 hours to drop it now. Even though show is senseless, I still like it because it relaxes me after a long day. If you want to critique, analyse, or dissect a show, go watch another drama, preferably a mystery or crime genre.

   I don't know if the pictures and screen caps are considered spoilers, so I'm warning you just in case. But the real warning is that I posted lots of pictures from show--some may be NSFW, but don't worry, this is a Korean drama airing in one of the major broadcasters so the scenes are still kid-friendly. And again, there are lots of pictures. 

An Immigrant's Answer

   So I've been skimming, scanning, and reading articles from The Globe and Mail's "The Immigrant Answer" special feature and here's what I thought: I am happy and disappointed at the same time.

   Happy that the Chinese and East Indians have decided to go back to their home countries since their respective countries are booming. But where does that leave the Filipinos? I don't think today's situation in the Philippines would make me want to move back there, and I am sure that some Filipinos I know think this way too. Granted, I rarely read news about the Philippines that I barely know the state of the economy and politics, but I can see that in its current state there is no way that would make me want to live there--even if my relatives and friends live there. 

   That was my initial reaction after reading a few articles on The Globe and Mail "Our Time to Lead" special feature. If someone thinks I'm too pessimistic and that I should give the Philippines a chance, I would rather see the change happening now than delaying it. So I'll wait. I can wait. I want to see the Philippines change. But at the state it is now, I doubt that's going to happen anytime soon. Should I cross my fingers then?

I try to be philosophical sometimes

   I may not know what I want to do in life after graduation, but I know exactly what I don't want to be as a person. 

   It's interesting to listen to people and observe them. How this person always wants to be the centre of attention. How this person wants be the gossipmonger of the group, making sure that she knows the scoop first before everyone else does. How this person likes teasing others, making fun of his or her flaws for her own benefit, so that people will think that she's funny. How this person cannot buy her own lunch unless someone goes with her. How this person persuades someone to buy a frappuccino even though he or she does not want to. How this person suddenly springs up a new topic about herself while the persons around her are conversing to divert their attention and listen to her. How this person always, always talks about herself even though the receiver of the conversation is not interested in hearing that information. 

   How this person is proud to have never asked anything from her sisters to put her children into college. How she doesn't want to share her money to a relative with reduced circumstances. How she does not feel for her relatives who live in a worse situation than hers. How she does not feel fortunate that she has been given a chance to live comfortably than others.

   Their words and actions are shaped by their own worlds and experiences so even if I disagree with them most of the time, I will not succumb to their own beliefs because I know I have mine. So seeing them from my point of view and experiences, I am glad because I know what I don't want to be (and try never to be) like them. 

Far better things

    On the upside, this gives me hope that I have a chance to follow my dreams. That my dreams will come true if I believe and persevere. That there are plenty of opportunities ahead of me. That I can be the person that I want to be or that I've always wanted to be. And that makes me glad and excited and scared all at the same time.

   The downside is that it tells me that what I had before were nothing compared to what I will have in the future. That the people who were a huge part of my life whom I've left behind are now memories--because I will meet new people better than the old friends I knew and grew up with. That what I learned before were nothing to what I will learn in the future (and in the present. Because I am loving my university courses and my life now. Even though it's tough. Ehem. Moving on.). That the chances I was given before were mere opportunities because I will be given a better chance in time. The last two ideas I can bear. But with regards to people, I don't think I'm able to compare the people I met before to the people I met today and assert that the people I know today are much better than the people I knew before. Because that's not true.

   However, it may not be true today, but it can change in the future.

   But hey, my history is what makes me the individual I am today. And history is the past, present, and the future. So whoever I meet will be a part of my history that will make up my individual self. And when the time comes that someone asks me to compare all the people I know, then I can answer that question. But for now, I'll stand on my belief: That the people I know in my past are far better than the people I know today.

Relying on Technology for Communication

   I came across this article from The New York Times written by Sherry Turkle, titled "The Flight from Conversation". She talks about how people have become dependent on technology that they use these devices for communication. Instead of talking to people, i.e., living and breathing entities, people in today's world prefer to talk to devices. In fact, some people (according to the article) want Apple to make Siri more intelligent so that he or she can confide to the app--the way that a person talks to another person. Don't you find that scary? Because I do. And that's exactly what I fear with this Siri app. It's like people prefer speaking to an app instead of talking to his or her friends. Or confiding his or her deepest secrets to an app that does not breathe. I guess this is one of the reasons why I don't have an iPhone because I find it too overrated--that, and I don't have the financial capability to pay for its monthly phone bill. If I get a cell phone though, I would try not to rely on it too much. Okay, to be honest, I'm afraid that I will become too dependent on my technological devices--that I would rather use them than spend time with friends. That I'd rather be alone playing my iPod on my ears or reading an article on my netbook than talking with friends.

   I try to be less dependent, even though I know that my efforts are not enough because I still use my iPod everyday. There is never a night on a weekday that I use my laptop. Heck, I spend less time curled up in a corner and reading a book because my laptop is always in front of me. I even use my iPod while eating (shudders). Which is why I plan to spend more time reading books (either paperback or hardcover) than on the Internet. I plan to spend more time with family and friends than with my laptop. I plan to spend more time with myself on times I need peace. 

   That said, I still want to try to be less dependent of these communication devices. The irony of this post though is that I'm using a blog to express what I think instead of discussing this article with someone. Ugh. I hate myself. I really should move and do something about this. Something like ending this post. Not the blog, but the post. I've fallen in love with my blog that I don't think I'll be able to give it up.

Homecoming Part III: When the day comes

   I can't remember how many times I've asked my mom this question: When can I go to the Philippines again? I went to the Philippines in the summer of 2010 because it was my sister's wedding, an important event in our family's lives. It is almost two years since I went there, and sometimes I wonder when this day will come again.

   Just to clarify, I don't use the phrases "go home" or "go back", such as, 'When can I go home again?' or 'When can I go back to the Philippines again?'. Nope. I try to refrain from using these phrases because I don't want to call my former home country my home when I already have a new home. Here. Canada is my new home now, so I might as well learn this new country and culture. Easy for me to say, but very difficult to execute. Especially if one is surrounded with people (or communities) of the same ethnic culture.

   Of course I want to go to the Philippines again someday. Just not now. Not this time. First of all, I don't have the financial capability to buy a plane ticket to another country just because I feel like it. What can I do? I'm a student. I'm poor. So instead of saving up for a trip to the Philippines, I'd rather save up a few hundred dollars for a trip around the country. "Explore the Philippines first before you explore other countries.", some hardcore nationalists or conservatives in the Philippines might say. Yeah, okay. As if it's that easy to save and just buy a plane ticket. Not to mention the travel expenses. And the extra expenses for dining out, treating family and friends, going out with friends and buying them gifts (or pasalubong), and giving away money to families like a bank machine... Okay, I'm diverting to another topic, and this is one topic I'd rather talk in another post due to the broadness and complexity of it.

   So for now, I am enjoying the present. A vacation in the Philippines, that might happen in three or four years. As much as I would love to go there this year, I can't. I have to be practical. Even if it means not going to the Philippines for a long time (but not really long. Because I might not be able to take it. I still want to go there before I hit 30. Maybe after graduation I might go there. If I have enough money.). 

Paralysed and depressed

   There is nothing depressing about this post. Nothing. I promise.

   The earth is now in the spring equinox so snow won't be coming until late fall and there won't be another cold and depressing winter until mid-November or December. Or maybe it might snow before April ends. One will never know. This is Canada afterall. But just because I'm talking about paralysis and depression don't mean that I'm paralysed and depressed. Far from it actually. But I'm not saying that I'm happy right now, at this moment, because I'm not, and that's an entirely different story, but I am happy today. Of my present disposition in life.

   I was reading an old blog post titled "Paralysis" about this Filipino woman I met on the bus. She told me she missed the shopping malls and Filipino foods. On my mind, I don't blame her. But I was surprised when she told me she has lived in Canada longer than me. And the reason why she missed the Filipino culture was because she didn't like this new culture that she's living in. I find that disappointing, because I think (and as I wrote on the post) that one should learn the cultures of a new country--especially if he or she is permanently living in the said country. I'm not saying that one should completely forget about his or her culture, but he or she should make an effort to accept a new culture into his or her life. I don't want to judge the woman because I don't have the right to judge her. However, with her manner of speaking it sounded like she didn't want to assimilate into a new culture.

   I guess this denial of accepting a new culture is part of an immigrant's experience, where he or she has trouble accepting the reality of living in another country. It is difficult to deny one's culture and learn a new one. This process makes one have a dual self, living two identities at the same time. It takes one to immediately transition from one self to another self in order to adapt to the environment and surroundings. I don't know how it goes for other people, but this is exactly what it's like for me.

    Keeping up with two cultures is difficult especially in today's technology where I have access to the Internet and I can chat or talk to my friends in the Philippines. But to be honest, I don't do it often. I used to do it a lot, like, everyday. I used to check my Facebook everyday and check my friends' Facebook updates everyday if they held parties or reunions. But that is so 2009 (because they had the reunion in 2009. heh.). Nowadays, I rarely check my friends on Facebook for two reasons: one, I don't have all the time in the world to spend looking up for their profiles everyday when I have other things to do on the virtual world and in the real world. Second, the more I see them, the more parties and reunions I miss, the more they have fun with their lives, I get jealous. There it is. I admit it. And I just digressed. But this example from my life is one of the reasons why a person denies a new culture. Why he or she does not want to learn a new culture because he or she does not want to miss out on what his or her friends are doing in their home country. I hope I don't sound cynical but I am sure no one checks my Facebook everyday (because I rarely update it) the same way I used to check it everyday. Unless someone really wants to know what's going on in my life, they'll make an effort to chat with me the same way I'll chat with them. Anyway, this is becoming too personal (and I don't mean to attack anyone) so I better stop. The point is, one reason why I used to be paralysed and depressed is because I close myself to new possibilities instead of branching out in this new country. So I tried to change. And it helped, quite a bit, because I can now see a change in myself (like rarely checking Facebook). I don't deny that I miss them, because I do. I miss them a lot. I miss my old friends. But that's it. That's where it ends. I already have a new life. I should just be happy that I have a whole new life ahead of me, new challenges that await me, new people who would like to meet me (I hope), and new places that I can't wait to travel. There is no use bringing up the past because I'm already living in the present for my future. 

    So one solution for an immigrant to not be depressed? Open up to a whole new life and accept the reality of it all. Difficult as it is, the learning experience is worth it.